Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Trying to Breathe....

This is one of my serious posts. I very rarely talk about how I feel about being a mother. I just need to get this off my chest and breathe... or try to at least.
I look back on pictures over the last year of my precious little girl's life.. they're filled with happy moments, celebrating milestones, and lots of kisses.This is what my sweet, happy, little peanut has become the past 2.5 months.It started just after her 1st birthday. She'll follow me everywhere I go, crying, whining, pulling at my leg. In fact, I was in the bathroom this morning and she HAD to sit on my lap, so imagine that if you will. If she falls down on her bum, its like the end of the world. She'll scream. We cannot go out much anymore, because she'll throw fits about being in a highchair, and she'll end up throwing food on the ground. Lately, its been about her teeth. I know they're bothering her when she's constantly biting her finger.. knawing at it like it was a carrot.
I used to love being at home with her. Going out, having play dates, shopping, etc. I actually miss WORK! Its so hard to be home with her anymore. Its nothing but a struggle to make it through the days. When Russ is working, I'm pretty much on my own. He works 12 hour shifts and switches days and nights. He's on nights (5pm-5am) this week. He sleeps until about noon the next morning. I count the hours before he wakes up and can watch Olivia. I'm losing my patience with her constantly, and I feel horrible. I feel like I'm the worse mother ever. Who gets upset with their baby?
I'm just really struggling with being at home. I honestly don't know how SAHM's do it day in and day out. I don't even work that much. I'm only gone for 7 days a month.. for 5 hours. So, technically, I'm a almost full time SAHM.
Anyways, I'm just stuck. I feel so guilty about feeling this way about my baby girl. I miss her so much... the way she was. She would light up my day...everyday. I enjoyed every moment of the day. Now, not so much. She screams at me first thing in the morning when I put her down to change her diaper. If I put her down to get her sippy of milk, she'll scream even more at me. It just goes on and on like that the whole day. Crying, whining, screaming. I'd say, she's happy maybe 25% of the day.. the rest being crabby and miserable.
The last week or so, she's decided she doesn't want to take a 2nd nap. So, she's even MORE crabby/tired at the end of the night. (The only plus side to this is she's sleeping more soundly at night now because she's just pooped out)

I've read in books that this can happen around this age. Its so hard. I keep thinking I'm never going to see my happy girl again. She's been taken over by this miserable little thing that cries all the time. (She cries more now, than she did as a newborn)


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