Sunday, August 21, 2011

Things They Should Tell You Before You Get Pregnant

Being a veteran mother, I know a little about being knocked up. I love when my first time momma friends get pregnant and ask for advice or what will happen. I definitely don't sugar coat being pregnant. Sure, its a wonderful thing, you're growing a baby inside of you, blah blah blah. There are certain things that I wish people would have told me before I got pregnant. Not that it would have made me not want to get pregnant, but it would have been nice to have some warning. So, here we go.

  • If you don't like needles, you'd better get used to them. Being pregnant, they stick you so many times and by the end of your pregnancy you would have probably given the doctors a pint of your blood. When you finally give birth to that beautiful baby, it's still not over and they'll stick you again afterwards.
  • You'd better learn to pee in a little cup, because that's what you'll be doing every month, sometimes multiple times a month for the next 8 months.
  • Feeling like death warmed over is a normal thing. It sucks, but you are not dying, you're just pregnant.
  • Your boobs are going to feel like they might fall off. Especially in the beginning. They won't.
  • Don't expect to be able to go #2 for months and months on a normal basis.
  • You will be a living, breathing furnace.
  • Being a furnace makes you sweat in places you've never even thought of before.
  • You will have large amounts of "stuff" coming out of your body. Yes, I went there.
  • Hemorrhoids
  • Stretch Marks
  • Horrible leg cramps or sciatica
  • Crazy, bitchy mood swings *pet animals beware*
  • Prepare to waddle like a giant penguin
  • No sleep for months *Oh heck, let's just say from 20 weeks until your baby is 2*
On to labor:

  • You will probably go overdue.
  • Being 4cm dilated does not mean you will go into labor the next day. It could be weeks.
  • Speaking of not going #2 for months, you might poop on the delivery table *you will not give this a blink of an eye because you're busy PUSHING A BABY out*
  • When your baby is finally ready to be delivered, it's gonna feel like you have to take a giant poop. *I'm seeing a poop pattern here*
  • The "ring of fire" does exist and is very real

  • You will not believe how much blood you will see. It's like a horror film when you first go to the bathroom.
  • Ice packs are your friend

This is just my list of what I tell my soon to be mothers. It's not always pretty, but the end result is so worth it. So much so that after your baby is around 1 years old, you'll start contemplating having another one and going through this whole ordeal again.

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